Six Tips for Explaining War to Children

 

From: https://www.gse.upenn.edu/news/educators-playbook/6-tips-explaining-war-children

The Educator's Playbook

6 tips for explaining war to children

October 10, 2023

Image: Lazy_Bear/Adobe Stock

In an ever-changing world, parents and educators are too often faced with explaining complex and challenging events to children. And perhaps nothing is more difficult to explain than violence, particularly war and armed conflict.

Navigating those conversations is hard – but not impossible, says Marsha Richardson, Director of Penn GSE’s School and Mental Health Counseling Program.

She explains that adults must help bridge the gap, offering support and understanding as school-age children navigate and process world events in a healthy and constructive way.

“When it comes to issues like (war), sometimes we can find it hard to connect the dots between a child’s behavior and the events unfolding in the world around them,” explains Richardson. “This is about being in tune with and understanding, developmentally, the ways in which these stressful situations might manifest for children.”

To help you prepare, Richardson offers the following tips:

First, do some self-reflection
Before trying to talk a child through this, take the time to self-reflect on your emotional state and your political, moral and religious views. Consider that these will influence how you respond to the situation, conversation, and questions a child might have. Doing this ahead of time helps you avoid figuring it out for yourself in front of them, which is very important to younger children. Parents, in particular, should strive to remember they are the model for their child's emotional regulation.

Keep the child’s age in mind
When dealing with conversations around such complex situations, it's easy to forget the age of your audience. As you approach talking about the war with a child, consider their age and developmental stage — and respond to their questions and comments accordingly. To use an ongoing conflict example, an age-appropriate response for elementary school students about why Russia and Ukraine are fighting could be, "They are fighting to figure out who's in charge of the country." The response to that question for an older child could be, "They are fighting to gain power over a country that has a unique position in world politics."

Remember, too, that the child's age could determine the nature of their concerns. For example, younger children may focus more on safety and security issues, primarily for themselves and their loved ones. At the same time, middle schoolers may be more focused on factual information, and high schoolers will have begun assimilating the values of caregivers, school, peers and media. With a younger child, you may need to reassure them that you and their country are ensuring their safety. With a middle-schooler, you can provide accurate information and engage in further research alongside them. With high schoolers, you can help them think critically about what they know, how they obtained that information, and how they might consider the broader context of their role in current or future influence on these issues.

Get out in front of misinformation or biases
For children of all ages, be sure to ask them what they know. Correct any misinformation or negative generalizations they may have — such as “all Russians are bad” in the example cited above — and provide them with the truth and context they need. Convey that those generalizations are particularly hurtful for some of their class- or schoolmates who may be Russian or Ukrainian. Those students, some of whom may still have close family in Russia or Ukraine, may be experiencing heightened anxiety, isolation or even bullying.

Consider limiting news consumption
Parents of younger children should limit their child's access to news coverage of the war. We might not think twice about leaving CNN or another news channel on all day when such significant world events are occurring, but the constant stream of wartime stories, images and sounds can be very overwhelming for a small child. Traumatic videos and photographs of dead bodies and bombings frequently make it to air in these situations. While older children might be better equipped to deal with the shocking imagery of televised war coverage, you should still sit down with them and help them process what they hear and see.

Look for changes in behavior
Caregivers should also pay attention to any regressive behaviors that might manifest, as some children won’t be able to articulate their stress over what’s happening. Things to look for include thumb-sucking, requesting to sleep in your bed, increased tearfulness, a drop in grades or somatic complaints like headaches, stomachaches and sleeplessness. Maintain an open line of communication with your child's school, teachers, and counselors if you suspect behavioral changes are impacting your child's learning and interpersonal relationships. Teachers should similarly be on the lookout for behavioral changes and keep parents apprised of any that might come up.

Don’t be afraid to reach out
Finally, seek support within your personal and professional spheres to help you manage your distress. If you're having trouble processing things emotionally, it's more than likely your children or students are, or will, be impacted.

Marsha Richardson is a distinguished clinical psychologist with a wealth of experience in mental health counseling, particularly concerning school-age children and adolescents impacted by trauma and conflict. As a senior lecturer and the director of Penn GSE’s School and Mental Health Counseling Program, she has been instrumental in developing and overseeing school-based mental health programs. As a renowned and well-respected voice in child and adolescent development, her insights are particularly valuable in the context of international armed conflicts and their impacts on the young generation's mental health and well-being.

An earlier version of this Playbook first ran in February 2022; it has been revised in light of escalating violence in the Middle East.

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 From: https://reformjudaism.org/reform-jewish-life/youth-family-community/parenting/how-talk-children-about-conflict-israel

How to Talk to Children About the Conflict in Israel

RABBI EDYTHE HELD MENCHER, L.C.S.W.

As news comes in of the ongoing conflict in Israel, many Jews are challenged to reconcile conflicting thoughts and emotions. Strong and heartfelt as our commitment is to the security of Israel, we experience a sense of grief at the ongoing violence and over the loss of life in Israel as well as among Palestinians. With reports of anti-Semitism, we may experience additional anxiety.

We want to offer some explanation to our children that will be both truthful and in some way reassuring. We want our children to be trusting and hopeful and to feel secure. We want them to believe that things can get better, and that their efforts and those of people around them can make a positive difference. We want them to be resilient - to be able to experience sadness and fear when appropriate but to be able to recover their joy and confidence. We want them to believe that people can and should resolve problems without violence. When we ourselves are feeling shaken and uncertain, we naturally find it difficult to choose our words.

There are no simple answers, but Jewish tradition teaches us to face difficult questions and difficult times by gathering together to develop responses that best reflect our values. It is in this spirit that we offer some suggestions, knowing that every parent, grandparent, teacher and friend will adapt these to create responses that are right for the children in their lives.

SPEND EXTRA TIME WITH CHILDREN AND LIMIT ACCESS TO MEDIA.

Speaking with a trusted adult who can listen and provide age-appropriate responses is far better than hearing from peers or news reporters. It's also vital that adults take care of themselves by avoiding repeatedly listening to and viewing the details of upsetting, terrifying events. Such continuous exposure to media, which may cause feelings of overwhelmedness and trauma, is not good for adults for their own sake, and also because anxiety is conveyed to children. Those living in the midst of the situation (i.e. in Israel) may not be able avoid awareness but can still seek to distract themselves and their children by engaging in ordinary life to the degree possible.

ALLOW CHILDREN TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY HAVE HEARD, TO ASK QUESTIONS, AND TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS.

Don't provide more information than requested, and avoid gory details unless they bring them up. Even when children do mention such things, the conversation can be gently steered to a less frightening place by acknowledging that these things are true, frightening, and disturbing, and - if it is the case - taking place far away from home. If you hear distortions, provide corrected information. If you sense a child has heard something but is not speaking about it, gently ask whether something is worrying him, or provide her the opportunity to draw or show concerns in other ways.

TEACH CALMING METHODS.

Deep breathing, singing, and movement can be adapted for people of all ages and are highly effective at helping to manage stress and fear. Seek online or community resources to find approaches that are right for your child. Local Jewish Community Centers (JCCs) often provide such programs.

BE AWARE OF HOW CHILDREN OF DIFFERENT AGES MAY RESPOND TO THE SITUATION, AND FIND CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS TO HELP THEM.

The youngest children need simply to have the conflict acknowledged, if they have already heard of it.

• Reassure them that they will be kept safe and that the adults in their life are working to keep them safe.
• Protect them from hearing too much of what they will not understand.
• Young children especially need the structure that adds to security, but adults also benefit from reliable routine, so continue routines such as regular meals, baths, bedtime stories, and visits to relatives.
• If children have witnessed violence directly or in the media, or have loved ones whom they know to be in danger, be alert to increased separation anxiety, tearfulness or defiance, sleep or toileting problems.
• Provide toys and art materials to allow children non-verbal expression.

School-aged children often will have heard more about what is going on in the news. Because they grasp more facts, adults may forget they are still children and need to be made to feel as secure as possible.

• Answer questions and be honest, but try to be optimistic about the possibility of the situation improving and the ultimate resolution of problems.
• Stress that it is not the fault of children that wars happen or hateful words are spoken.
• Do not be alarmed if they speak of ways they would prevent terrorism or anti-Semitism by using super powers or violence to keep themselves or others safe; imagining these solutions may help them feel powerful and less helpless. Avoid telling them, “That would never work, children can’t solve such problems,” which may increase their anxiety and belligerence.
• Offer them realistic ways help, if they seem so inclined, such as sending gifts, drawings, or letters to soldiers and helping to raise raise money for relief efforts. Most of all, children want most to forget about adult concerns and get on with the business of school and play, so help them to return their focus to the day-to-day life of school, family, hobbies, and activities.

Teens are likely to have the most details and the most difficulty in seeking the help they need to process something as disturbing as war. They want to seem independent, yet such events may stir strong feelings of helplessness and fear; they do not want their independence challenged and yet need protection and reassurance.

• Teens need patience and tolerance from adults for their often sharply changing reactions. In one moment, teens may seem idealistic and deeply concerned over tragedy and loss of life, but at other times, they may seem indifferent and much more involved with their music, clothes, and social life. Some may speak heatedly about retaliating or blame adults for not showing more strength of response; others may accuse adults of over-reacting. Some may simply withdraw and not express how hurt or threatened they feel, while others may seem defiant and indifferent, covering their concerns with a veneer of self-sufficiency and rebelliousness. They may fear becoming victims of violence themselves or feel loss of control of their own aggression. Desperately wishing for the world to make sense, they are also old enough to recognize when it seems unstable. In short, teens may seem very mature at one moment, more childish at the next.
• While it is best to resist the temptation of turning kids into confidantes and activists for the causes their parents champion, adults also need not shelter them from the opportunity to understand situations that affect them, their families, and their communities. It may be helpful to offer teens' avenues for constructive action to further causes that they personally value, whether it is involvement in efforts to responsibly express their opinions through letter writing, peaceful demonstrations, raising money, or volunteering to help those affected by war. You may want to set limits if teens are yelling or promoting irresponsible action but it's important to allow them reasonable expression of what they feel about what is occurring.


• Because teens can be prone to black and white thinking and be overcome by particular events, it is important to help them to see all of the good in the world. Help them to notice the medical care, relief efforts, and concern being shown to those who have been affected. Point out the efforts of diplomats and leaders to seek an end to violence and a plan for security. Supporting trust and idealism while acknowledging the reasons for doubt and fear really help.
• Don't press teens to speak about the situation more than they choose, and try to respect each teen's way of coping, while leaving extra opportunities for talking to parents and other caring adults about ordinary events and concerns.
• Do provide them with access to youth organizations and trusted adults with whom they can be involved in well-thought out and safe efforts to make a difference.

HELP CHILDREN AND TEENS TO USE OUR JEWISH TRADITION OF TAKING CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY.

Help them to assist those who have been affected and to honor the memories of those whose lives are lost through acts of kindness and repair of our world. Everyone feels better when they can do something effective and positive in the face of a situation that has made them feel grief and helplessness. You can help them to make condolence cards, write letters to families who have experienced loss, send friendly and supportive letters to others affected by war, collect tzedakah for organizations that work to help people who have been injured or displaced, participate in religious rituals like prayers for peace and security, light candles in memory of those who have died, and create ways of honoring and supporting military, rescue and medical teams.

PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES FOR SPIRITUAL AND COMMUNAL SUPPORT.

Even when we don't have the answers, most of us are helped by coming together with community members to affirm our belief in goodness, restraint, compassion and justice. We and our children may have questions about how to have faith in God in the face of warfare and terrorism. Some find solace in the idea of God as a consoler, a guider toward right action and a maker of peace. Others find solace in the hope that the people who die are now with God. Jewish tradition teaches us to comfort, support and inspire one another at times of tragedy and conflict. Through our actions and spiritual practices we remind one another and teach our children that love and life are very precious and worth sustaining, and though wars are sometimes unavoidable, we must continue to seek peace.

KNOW WHEN AND WHERE TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

When, over the course of many weeks, a child continues to show a great deal of fear and anxiety, is more withdrawn, provocative, and defiant, or continues to be involved in repetitive play with themes related to violent events, it is useful to seek consultation with a mental health professional. Of course, if a child shows serious distress and cannot be consoled, exhibits or threatens violence towards himself or others or is paralyzed by fear and anxiety, seek help immediately. When parents find themselves struggling to re-establish trust or are overcome by anxiety about their own or their family’s wellbeing, they too can benefit from help in overcoming anxiety and trauma. Social service agencies, mental health clinics, school guidance counselors, private mental health practitioners and pediatricians may all be helpful. Specific programs for children and families who have been affected by traumatic violence, even indirectly, can be particularly helpful.

 

 

Helping Children Cope With Frightening News

What parents can do to aid scared kids in processing grief and fear in a healthy way

From: https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-cope-frightening-news/#full_article

When tragedy strikes, it can be hard to deal with your own grief and distress while helping your children do the same. But there are things you can do to help kids handle scary news.

To break the news about an event that kids might see on the news, don’t wait to tell them. It’s better for them if you’re the one who tells them. You’ll be able to give the facts, however painful, and set the emotional tone.

Encourage your children to tell you anything they may have heard and to talk about how they feel. Give them opportunities to ask questions and be ready to share details if they ask. When you encourage your children to express their feelings, it helps them build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future.

It’s okay to tell your child if you’re sad, but try to stay calm. Children often take on our emotions, so if you’re very emotional, they might feel more upset too. This could make it harder for them to listen to what you’re saying.

Little kids in particular might be scared that something similar will happen to them. Try to reassure them that tragic events are rare and that people are working to prevent things like this from happening again.

As you talk to your children, don’t volunteer too much information. Instead, try to answer your child’s questions honestly and clearly. It’s okay if you can’t answer everything; being available to your child is what matters. It’s okay to return to the topic as many times as your child needs so that they can come to terms with what happened.

When tragedy strikes, as parents you find yourself doubly challenged: to process your own feelings of grief and distress, and to help your children do the same.

I wish I could tell you how to spare your children pain, when they’ve lost friends or family members, and fear, when disturbing events occur, especially when they’re close to home. I can’t do that, but what I can do is share what I’ve learned about how to help children cope and process disturbing events in the healthiest way.

As a parent, you can’t protect you children from grief, but you can help them express their feelings, comfort them, help them feel safer, and teach them how to deal with fear. By allowing and encouraging them to express their feelings, you can help them build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future, and confidence that they can overcome adversity.

Break the news

When something happens that will get wide coverage, my first and most important suggestion is that you don’t delay telling your children about what’s happened: It’s much better for the child if you’re the one who tells her. You don’t want her to hear from some other child, a television news report, or the headlines on the front page of the New York Post. You want to be able to convey the facts, however painful, and set the emotional tone.

Take your cues from your child

Invite her to tell you anything she may have heard about the tragedy, and how she feels. Give her ample opportunity to ask questions. You want to be prepared to answer (but not prompt) questions about upsetting details. Your goal is to avoid encouraging frightening fantasies.

Model calm

It’s okay to let your child know if you’re sad, but if you talk to your child about a traumatic experience in a highly emotional way, then he will likely absorb your emotion and very little else. If, on the other hand, you remain calm, he is likely to grasp what’s important: that tragic events can upset our lives, even deeply, but we can learn from bad experiences and work together to grow stronger.

Be reassuring

Talking about death is always difficult, but a tragic accident or act of violence is especially tough because of how egocentric children are: they’re likely to focus on whether something like this could happen to them. So it’s important to reassure your child about how unusual this kind of event is, and the safety measures that have been taken to prevent this kind of thing from happening to them. You can also assure him that this kind of tragedy is investigated carefully, to identify causes and help prevent it from happening again. It’s confidence-building for kids to know that we learn from negative experiences.

Help children express their feelings

In your conversation (and subsequent ones) you can suggest ways your child might remember those she’s lost: draw pictures or tell stories about things you did together. If you’re religious, going to church or synagogue could be valuable.

Be developmentally appropriate

Don’t volunteer too much information, as this may be overwhelming. Instead, try to answer your child’s questions. Do your best to answer honestly and clearly. It’s okay if you can’t answer everything; being available to your child is what matters. Difficult conversations like this aren’t over in one session; expect to return to the topic as many times as your child needs to come to terms with this experience.

Be available

If your child is upset, just spending time with him may make him feel safer. Children find great comfort in routines, and doing ordinary things together as a family may be the most effective form of healing.

Memorialize those who have been lost

Drawing pictures, planting a tree, or sharing stories can all be good, positive ways to help provide closure to a child. It’s important to assure your child that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of others. Doing something to help others in need can be very therapeutic: it can help children not only feel good about themselves but learn a very healthy way to respond to dealing with grief

This article was last reviewed or updated on March 29, 2023.

Harold S. Koplewicz, MD

Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, is the founding President and Medical Director of the Child Mind Institute and is a senior … Read Bio

 

 

 

 

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